Why Am I Getting Divorced After 14 Years of Marriage?
Asking for a divorce is never an easy decision. However, personally, it feels as if it may be the only way to move forward and find happiness. My husband and I have grown apart over the years and our relationship is no longer fulfilling for either of us.
We’ve been together since we were in our mid-twenties and we bought our first home soon after we got married. After a couple of years, my husband wanted to start a family but something inside of me was kicking and screaming, “No!”. Seeing how badly he wanted children, and wanting so much to make him happy and be a good wife, I took myself off my contraceptive pills and we started trying to fall pregnant. As bad as it sounds, I prayed constantly for God not to let me fall pregnant. I knew how difficult life was, just the two of us, and to bring children into the mix would have complicated everything and worsened our already struggling financial situation.
After years of trying and failing to fall pregnant, he accepted that we weren’t going to have children. Regardless of this, we created memories, some good, some not so good, that would last a lifetime. However, as time has passed, we’ve grown in different directions and our priorities have changed. We find ourselves arguing more often, communicating less, and feeling unfulfilled in our relationship.
I’ve struggled with the idea of ending our marriage for a very long time. I haven’t wanted to hurt my husband, and a part of me thought it was easier to stay in my familiar norm, albeit unhappy, than it would be to leave the life I’ve known for so long and step out into an unknown future.
I approached the topic of divorce with my husband carefully, knowing that it was a sensitive and emotional subject. I told him how I felt and why I thought it was best for both of us to end our marriage. Initially, he agreed that it would be best for both of us but after he’d had a sleepless night, he seemed extremely upset by the whole idea and said he felt like his world was crumbling around him. Later that day, he sent me a long email from work, asking me to give him another chance to prove to me that he’s willing to change. He told me that he knew I had no fight left in me but that he had enough fight left for the both of us. I hesitantly agreed to give it another couple of months to see exactly how he intended to change and try to “win me back”, but I’d heard many of the same words from him before, with no action to back them up, so I was skeptical to say the least.
Over the following two months, I noticed no positive changes, nor did I feel any differently about wanting to get divorced. In fact, he seemed even more cold and self-absorbed than usual. When I turned 40 earlier this year, and didn’t get so much as a birthday card, let alone a gift, I was hurt but put it down to him not having enough money to buy me a gift. I’ve never been materialistic so it wasn’t about the gift, but when I noticed him coming home with a new pair of shoes for himself and some expensive edible treats that only he eats, on more than a few occasions, it was further confirmation that the words in that email were just more empty promises and his way of trying to manipulate me again.
I can’t imagine the process of getting a divorce is going to be easy. We’re going to have to navigate how to divide our assets and liabilities, which is going to leave us both with nothing but debt. I’m also acutely aware that I will be experiencing grief over the next year or two. I will be grieving my life as I know it, but I understand that the grief emotions are something I will have to go through in order to come out the other side stronger and happier.
